She Never Looked Back

They said, “I have no idea why she left. She just did, and she never looked back. She is a sociopath.”

I did look back. I looked back for years, hoping you would truly see me. I looked back, hoping you would just own some of your sh*t. I looked back at hopes, dreams, and promises that were never kept. I looked back.  

I also had to look forward at the same time. Did I want this for the rest of my life?  Why do I do the emotional work in these relationships? Why am I googling their behavior in an attempt to understand it? Why is it that when I ask you not to call me a derogatory name, the next time you do, you ask, "Oh, is that too soon?”

“Maybe you need to call somebody for help,” I was told over and over. My fears and emotions put you on edge. I called for help and went. I worked on myself to be better.

I would fix myself so that nobody else around me would have to feel anything.

In therapy, I discovered that maybe it wasn’t just me. I discovered that successful relationships take two people. Healthy relationships hold space for the other person. Healthy relationships were not something I was used to in my life.

Could I matter? Could I live life on my terms for the first time in my life?  Could I define a good life, and if possible, a beautiful life?

The cruelest thing we can do to another human in a relationship is to define how we will love them without their consent and to give them just enough good to get them through the bad that makes them doubt their worth and sanity.

Nobody is perfect. Why can’t you accept my flaws? You are correct. Nobody is perfect.  I have accepted your flaws over and over again. I have said, “It is ok,” or “It is fine.” and every time I told myself internally, “It is ok. You do not matter. They do.”

Who made the rule that only one person gets to matter in a relationship, and why do I have to follow that rule? Or better yet, everyone in this family matters but me.  

I looked back.  I hoped that you would step forward and step up, but you didn’t. I didn’t need a miracle, I needed a commitment to communicate, learn from, and grow from one another.

I looked back, hoping you would acknowledge your part and truly grow. I looked back and waited, but you stood still.  

You stayed the same and didn’t waiver. That was your choice, and this was mine.  I looked back and began to take baby steps forward to a life that I needed while still hoping I could have that life with you. I stepped forward in doubt and fear, but I kept stepping forward. 

With each step forward, my confidence grew. In that space, I grew.  In the space between us, I could breathe. I kept stepping forward.  Your voice grew smaller, and mine grew bigger.  

I looked back one last time with hope for you, and then I shifted my gaze and found new hope for me. I was free, and I would never look back again.