Growing Self-Respect Instead of Self-Esteem in Children and Tweens

Once upon a time, parents were told that the secret to raising confident, successful kids was simple: 

Praise them constantly. 

Morning, noon, and night—shower them with positive reinforcement, tell them how special they are, and for the love of all things holy, don’t let them experience anything that might even slightly resemble failure.

We followed the script. We cheered when they tied their shoes (even if they were on the wrong feet), handed out participation trophies like candy, and shielded them from every natural consequence. And now?

We have a generation of kids who crumble when faced with a challenge, who don’t know who they are without outside validation, and who think their parents are personal assistants rather than actual human beings.

So… what happened?

Well, somewhere along the way, we confused self-esteem with self-respect. And that’s where it all went sideways.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Respect: What’s the Difference?

Self-Esteem:

Self-esteem is about feeling good about yourself. It’s based on external things—how others see you, your achievements, and the praise you receive. Think of it as a balloon: it’s great when inflated, but the moment life hands you a sharp object (criticism, rejection, failure), POP!

Self-Respect:

Self-respect, on the other hand, is about valuing yourself, even when no one is clapping. It’s the ability to say: 

“I deserve to be treated well.”
“I don’t need to be the best at everything to be valuable.”
“I will make choices that align with my values, even if they’re not popular.”

It’s less about feeling good and more about knowing what is valued and good inside you.

6 Examples of Self-Esteem Vs. Self-Respect 

Achievement

Self-Esteem:
“I aced my test, so I feel great about myself!”
→ Until the next test brings me down.

Self-Respect:
“I studied hard and stayed honest. I’m proud of my effort, no matter the outcome.”
→ Because how I show up matters more than the score.

Compliments & Appearance

Self-Esteem:
“Everyone says I’m pretty, so I must be valuable!”
→ Until one person says otherwise.

Self-Respect:
“I take care of myself and dress in a way that feels good to me.”
→ Because my worth isn’t up for debate.

Popularity & Social Media

Self-Esteem:
“I have more followers than my friend, so I’m clearly winning at life!”
→ Until the algorithm stops favoring me.

Self-Respect:
“I post what reflects who I am—not what gets the most likes.”
→ Because I’m not performing for approval.

Boundaries

Self-Esteem:
“They like me, so everything must be okay.”
→ Even if I feel disrespected or uncomfortable.

Self-Respect:
“No, I won’t let you treat me like that—even if it means losing a friend.”
→ Because how I let people treat me teaches them how to treat me.

Integrity

Self-Esteem:
“If I cheat like everyone else, I won’t fall behind.”
→ As long as I don’t get caught, it’s fine.

Self-Respect:
“I’m not going to cheat—even if it costs me an A.”
→ Because I want to be proud of how I got there.

People-Pleasing

Self-Esteem:
“If I make everyone happy, they’ll like me.”
→ Even if I’m exhausted and overwhelmed.

Self-Respect:
“I’m putting my mental health first—even if it disappoints others.”
→ Because taking care of myself is not selfish—it’s necessary.

One is about external validation, the other is about internal strength. Guess which one builds resilient, capable humans?

Why Self-Respect Matters More Than Self-Esteem

I once received a letter from parents who did everything right. They followed all the self-esteem parenting advice. They praised, encouraged, and avoided negativity like the plague. And yet…

"Our son has very low self-esteem, little motivation, and no real interests. He’s in trouble at school for disrespect, and we don’t know how to help. We keep praising him, but it’s not working!"

Yeah. No kidding.

Self-esteem alone doesn’t create strong, kind, capable humans. It creates people who need constant reinforcement to function. Meanwhile, self-respect creates individuals who stand firm in who they are, even when life gets tough.

Roy Baumeister, a psychology professor, once championed the self-esteem movement—until, years later, he realized it was a massive mistake. He now says:

"Forget about self-esteem. Focus on self-discipline and self-control."

In other words: Stop telling kids they’re great. Teach them how to be great from within.

3 (Unconventional) Ways to Build Self-Respect in Kids

If we want to raise kids with real, unshakable confidence, we have to focus on character—not just feelings. Here’s how:

Stop Praising What’s Easy

When we praise kids for every little thing (“You breathed today! I’m so proud!”), we make real accomplishments meaningless. Instead, praise effort, integrity, and resilience.

✔️ Good Praise: “You worked really hard on that, even when it was frustrating.”
❌ Empty Praise: “You’re so smart!”

One teaches perseverance. The other teaches kids to avoid hard things for fear of looking dumb.

Let Them Struggle (A Little)

Love doesn’t mean removing every obstacle. It means coaching kids through challenges without solving them.

🚩 If your kid forgets their homework, let them deal with the natural consequence.
🚩 If they get in a fight with a friend, don’t intervene immediately—let them work it out.

Kids who learn to navigate difficulty gain self-respect. Kids who are rescued from every struggle? Not so much.

Teach Them to Serve Others

The quickest way to destroy self-respect? Teach kids to focus on themselves all the time. The quickest way to build it? Teach them to care for others.

Self-respect isn’t built by staring in the mirror. It’s built by looking out the window and seeing where you can make a difference.

✔️ Have them help a younger sibling.
✔️ Encourage them to volunteer.
✔️ Teach them to ask, “How can I help?” instead of “What’s in it for me?”

People with self-respect don’t demand respect. They earn it.

The Bottom Line: Raise Kids With Self-Respect, Not Just Self-Esteem

Kids don’t need constant praise. They don’t need participation trophies. They don’t need you to shield them from every hardship.

They need:
✔️ Self-discipline
✔️ A strong moral compass
✔️ The ability to fail and keep going

Because when they respect themselves, they don’t need the world to validate them.